Ok, so I'm a huge Star Wars fan, I grew up around the time of the prequels, I've watched and re-watched the saga countless times, it's a franchise that's been with me my whole life that I hold close to my heart. I love the original trilogy, I love The Force Awakens and Rogue One, and if I may be so bold, I even have a soft spot for certain aspects of the prequels. However, there is one part of the Star Wars universe that we never talk about, the black sheep of the franchise, something so unbearably bad that it only ever aired once. It's worse than Anakin's dialogue, worse than 'Jedi Rocks', even worse than Jar Jar Binks, dare I say. Yes, what I'm talking about is The Star Wars Holiday Special. For you lucky few who have never heard of the holiday special, it's essentially a two hour television movie set in the Star Wars universe that focuses on Chewbacca's family as they anticipate his return to celebrate their annual holiday 'Life Day'. Doesn't sound so bad, right? Wrong. The holiday special is basically a two hour long variety show full of musical numbers, psychedelic effects and terrible costumes. It is truly an oddity, but what makes it even more bizarre is the fact that Star Wars cast members such as Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher and even Harrison Ford actually signed onto this piece of, well, whatever it is. Recently I finally watched the holiday special in full and oh boy, do I have some thoughts on it. So join me on a journey, to a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...
The Story
So the holiday special is set some time after A New Hope and takes place primarily on the Wookie home world of Kashyyyk, which is renamed Kazook here for god knows why. On 'Kazook', we are introduced to Chewbacca's family, his wife Malla, his father Itchy, and his son Lumpy. It's clear that the people behind this were attempting to inject some compassion into the story by focusing on Chewbacca's loved ones and trying to portray them as being likeable and cute. Instead we get these freaky looking things that I can't even put into words, that's them below alongside Chewbacca:
A handsome bunch am I right? We spend the majority of the episode with these freaky looking dudes as they await the return of Chewie so that they can all celebrate Wookie Christmas, 'Life Day'. Now one of the first things to really annoy me about this special is that although we spend a great deal with the Chewbacca clan, we get not one line of subtitles to help understand what they're saying. All of their dialogue is literally just incomprehensible Wookie noises so we don't understand a word of it, although to be fair I don't think subtitles even could have saved this trainwreck. Meanwhile in outer space, Chewie and Han Solo are in the Millennium Falcon attempting to land on 'Kazook' while evading the Imperial forces. At least the scenes with Han and Chewie provide some sense of familiarity for the special, but they're so scarce that not even they can save this feature. Carrie Fisher and Mark Hamill also make brief appearances, along with Anthony Daniels as C-3PO and archive footage of Darth Vader dubbed over by James Earl Jones. Because who needs the real Vader when you can recycle, right? As the special goes on, the Wookies have a run in with Imperial forces, some shit happens that we're supposed to care about and then the day is saved. Somehow this wafer-thin plot makes us miss all those talks of trade federations and Gungans from Episode I.
The Segments
Now if you still don't think there's something off about The Star Wars Holiday Special, this is when things get really weird. The majority of this two hour special is taken up by a number of outlandish, unrelated segments that give the special a variety show sort of feel. From holographic acrobats, to musical numbers, and that sequence where Itchy wears that virtual reality helmet (shudders), it's quite a freakshow. I still don't understand how some of these segments had anything to do with Star Wars, here is a taster of some of the crazy shit that goes down during the holiday special.
Lumpy watches a group of acrobats clad in colourful costumes as they dance around to some questionable music, the terrible costume design and freaky tune allow this early segment to set the incredibly low standard for what's to come. God, the costume design is so awful here it makes everything feel so cheap, it feels more like Cirque Du Soleil than anything else.
Harvey Korman of Blazing Saddles takes on the role of Chef Gormaanda who hosts Malla's favourite cookery show. I don't get if this was supposed to be funny or what, it's certainly not the Mel Brooks brand humour that Korman delivered so perfectly several years before. Instead it's just a few minutes of him saying 'whip, whip, stir' over and over again while Malla tries to keep up. Maybe the joke was that because Gormaanda had four arms it was physically impossible for Malla to keep up. Haa.
The most disturbing segment involves Chewie's dad Itchy using a virtual reality helmet. After some psychedelic imagery, a woman played by Diahann Carroll appears, claiming to be Itchy's 'fantasy'. She then prompts him to 'experience' her while making some suggestive moaning sounds before singing to him. If you've ever asked yourself if porn exists within the Star Wars universe, here is your answer. The segment is totally out of place for something aimed at kids, I wouldn't even call it suggestive because what it's suggesting is so obvious. Itchy, you dirty bollocks.
But that's not the only musical number oh no, at one point an Imperial soldier takes the time to watch a performance by Jefferson Starship via hologram. That's right, Jefferson Starship exist within the Star Wars universe now, and apparently they're a huge hit among Imperial soldiers. We certainly did build this Empire on rock and roll.
One of the later segments takes place in Mos Eisley Cantina, where we breathe a sigh of relief for this familiar location and some bearable costumes. The Cantina Band are in full swing while the usual menagerie of aliens drink away, and for a moment it does feel like Star Wars, until the singing starts. Golden Girls star Bea Arthur plays a barmaid at the Cantina who starts a sing song in order to encourage her patrons to leave under the orders of the Empire. Just when things were finally starting to feel like Star Wars again, we get another bloody musical number. By this point 'Jedi Rocks' feels like something from Grease in comparison to the holiday special's musical bits.
The high point of these segments and the only one that genuinely does feel very much like Star Wars is a short animated sequence that Lumpy watches for, you know, who needs reasons anymore. The cartoon includes the voice talents of the original cast members as Luke and co. venture to the planet of Panna to search for a mysterious talisman. The reason why this segment is so well remembered is because it was the debut appearance of everybodies favourite bounty hunter Boba Fett. Initially coming across as a friend, Fett tricks the rebels and reveals his true colours as an associate of Darth Vader. I wish this sequence was longer, I wish the whole holiday special was focused on this segment alone. But alas it is short lived and soon we are back to inaudible Wookie roaring and bad musical numbers.
Other Oddities
First of all, the cast. While I was delighted to see the original cast members return, the question still remains as to why? How did Hamill, Ford and co. not realise how awful this production was in the first place? Perhaps that's why Kenny Baker declined to portray R2-D2 in this one, maybe he had some sense. Fun Fact: R2-D2 is credited as playing himself here. Along with the original cast members, the likes of Bea Arthur, Harvey Korman and Art Carney (who plays a trader and friend of the Wookies) were all established actors at the time as well, so why sign on to such shite? I understand Star Wars was only released a year before and that everyone obviously thought this would be just as good, but it further poses the question as to whether anyone realised how awful this was during production? One would hope so anyway.
A New Hope or simply Star Wars as it was known back then, had some pretty impressive special effects for its time. Now I am aware that was a huge production and this was merely a television film, but for God's sake there is barely even an attempt to maintain some consistency with the film. The Wookies look cheap, the sets look cheap, the costumes during some of the segments are simply horrible, in particular the acrobat one. The only time it really feels consistent with the Star Wars universe is when one of the original cast members pops up, the animated sequence, and half of the Cantina segment. Other than that it feels like someone made this after taking acid and thinking 'yeno what would go great in the Star Wars universe? Colourful acrobats and VR space porn.' It just feels like there was no effort put in, it lacks the heart and soul of the first film despite efforts to inject some emotion via Chewie's family. But I mean come on, how are you supposed to form an emotional attachment to these characters when they do practically nothing to earn it? We breathe a sigh of relief every time an original cast member appears because it at least tries to feel like Star Wars. Also, why did Mark Hamill's face look so caked in makeup? Another one of the holiday special's many mysteries.
To finish it all off, the holiday special ends with a musical number (of course) where Leia leads a chorus of Wookies and original cast members in a wholesome 'Life Day' song. I would say it feels weird and out of place, but after those god awful segments earlier it fits in just fine.
The Final Verdict
The Star Wars Holiday Special is quite possibly the worst thing to ever happen to the franchise. It makes the prequels look like Empire and feels nothing like the Star Wars we all know and love. Packed full of cheap looking segments with terrible dialogue and almost unbearable musical numbers, the existence of this holiday special is an oddity to behold. It poses many questions such as why did the original cast members sign on? What were the writers taking at the time? How could George Lucas let this happen? Well, we already know the answer to the last one judging by the prequels, but still even by their standards this is terrible. If you're a die hard Star Wars fan who has a spare two hours and doesn't take themselves too seriously, or if you and your mates are just looking for something to laugh at over a few cans then you can watch the special in all it's glory here. I don't understand how anybody could enjoy this monstrosity, don't get me wrong I'm all up for finding the fun in bad cinema and television, but jesus christ a lot of this isn't even at the so-bad-it's-good level, it's just plain bad. If you choose to watch the holiday special then best of luck, you'll need it. This will probably be my last post before Christmas, so merry Christmas, or 'Life Day' to you all. Until next time!
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